THE DAYS OF SEVERUS SNAPE
by sharmaji
Summary: A view of the world of Harry Potter through the eyes of Severus Snape.
1. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE-"The Last Word"**

I felt neither alive nor dead, not that I know what the latter is. I could not sense my body, my breath or any other physical element of life. On the other hand, my mind was racing-it seemed that every memory, every thought I ever had was fighting its way to the surface of my consciousness, each like a drowning person struggling to stay afloat to avoid being lost in the murky depths of oblivion below. There was no pain only a feeling of madness as a thousand different voices seemed to compete for attention in my head. In the din I could hear Lily, Potter, Dumbledore, Voldermort….and myself .

"Stop,", I roared and tried to focus on shutting out the noise. I might as well have been telling Hagrid not to breed violently dangerous illegal creatures at Hogwarts. "Concentrate Severus, concentrate!" I heard my own voice above the rest. I focussed on that sound , on that sneering voice, and slowly the cacophony of the other sounds began to subside. It was my voice! "How do you feel Severus?" my own voice seemed to ask. The question hung in the air as I was rendered speechless with the bizarre experience of being asked questions by myself. "Nothing to say for a change, eh. Well, a pity-these would have been your last words before you die. Still I guess a life with nothing to show for it has no need for words to remember it by."

Nobody had the right to say that to me. "Stop it," I hissed. "That is not true. I have played my part-you know nothing! I have been the real hero of this story while all the glory has gone to that insufferable Potter." "Touchy, very touchy..but at least we are talking now, " he smirked. "The great thing about being you is that I know how to get you to talk."

"Who are you?" I asked. Again in that insufferable tone he replied, "Why , Severus. I am hurt. I thought you would know me. I am your legacy, your lasting memory as the world will remember you by." I roared back, "The only thing I hear is a sarcastic, arrogant fool that understands absolutely nothing!" I could almost see the smirk and the corners of his mouth twitch as he replied, "Well Severus. I hate to say this but you are right. That is how the world does remember and thus I am what you made me. Be honest-who would remember you differently…." His words echoed in my mind for what seemed like an eternity and I searched desperately for the answer to his question. Names, images flashed changed but the answer remained. Something gave away inside me and I broke. The words came out of my mouth choked, wet with tears of rage and frustration , "Its not fair. I have given my life for others, done the dirty work, never had praise, recognition…nothing…it is'nt fair-I deserve better!"

There was a silence and then he spoke. He sounded different; I could sense a hint of sympathy mingled with the usual sneering tone. "Well, well, well. Who would have thought it-the great Professor Snape getting emotional. Interesting. Well Severus, I have good news for you. I meant what I said-I am your legacy, your memory to the world. You have a chance-you can tell me your real story or wallow in your self pity as you are now and drift into oblivion. I cannot make you a hero but the world will know your life as it really was"

Grasping at the lifeline I stuttered, "How much time do I have?" Again that infuriating sneer, "As much time as you need". I took a deep breath or at least as much as you can take one without a physical body and began to speak. The words flowed from me without thought as I began to replay the drama of the life of me, Severus Snape, in my head." I don't want you to like me but just to understand…please just listen..."


	2. A TASK FOR SEVERUS SNAPE

_**A TASK FOR SEVERUS SNAPE**_

I will not begin with my days a young boy-we will get to that later if I have the time. I do not how much time I have so let me start with the event that changed me and my life irrevocably-a day I want you to understand. This is the story of the Boy Who Lived.

The power of the Dark Lord was rising. We had fought many battles with the Ministry of Magic and their lot. It had been a long, attritional war but the tide was turning-we killed or injured more than we lost and everyday we had new followers. You could sense the fear on the other side- a sense of hopelessness and recklessness creeping in as it does when people realise they are cornered. The Dark Lord on the other hand and his followers marched on with relentless purpose and discipline; a gradual filling of a reservoir drop by drop, knowing a point would come when the dam would not hold and the resulting flood would destroy all in its wake. In this strategy lay the genius of the Dark Lord. He held our ever increasing forces on a tight leash, avoided large confrontations and instead executed small guerrilla style raids on the Ministry and Muggles. We always took more than we lost and most importantly we inspired FEAR-no-one new where we would strike next. FEAR is a wonderful emotion in conflict-it paralyzes the enemy, reduces their capabilities and in many cases prompts people to change sides. Our last barrier was now the Order of the Phoenix; a small secret group of witches and wizards led by Dumbledore; they were the only ones that had the wizarding skills and cunning to match and beat us at our own game.

I was the Dark Lord's most trusted lieutenant. I had served him well-I was the only one he would really talk to and discuss his plans with. He had enough soldiers and assassins to carry out his orders. Take Belliatrix-not a sane brain in her body but at the Dark Lord's bidding she had killed more than a hundred wizards, witches and muggles already. I have always marvelled at the Dark Lord's ability to collect, control and hone weapons like Belliatrix-without the Dark Lord the Belliatrice's of the world would have either been killed or in Azkaban soon enough. Under him, they become a potent, unstoppable, unpredictable weapon with one sole purpose; eradicate Muggles and bring the Dark Lord to power.

Belliatrix always disliked me. She was jealous of my relationship with the Dark Lord. She was like a child left out of a discussion with adults. He always brushed her aside saying, "Bella, go amuse yourself. Severus and I have something important to discuss." She bowed and would leave but I could sense the hate and anger directed at me. It didn't help that all I ever had for her was a sneer and a comment like, "Well Belliatrix, how many unsuspecting Muggle children did you kill today?" Yes, it was childish of me but for the first time in my life somebody that mattered made me feel more important than the rest. The Dark Lord was arguably the greatest wizard of all time and I, battered and abused Severus "Snivellus" Snape, his closest advisor. I would show them all-Potter, Black, ever last one of them what a mistake they had made.

"Severus," he smiled, "Our victory is at hand. The days of the Order are numbered. We fill find them soon and destroy them." "My Lord, what about Albus Dumbledore?" I sensed the anger rising, the eyes reddened and he hissed, "Dumbledore is nothing but a weak, old fool hiding behind the magic of young witches and wizards. Without them he is nothing, nothing but an empty old man! I will destroy the Order and leave him alone-lets see what he can do then." I was taken aback and sensed I had touched a sore spot about Dumbledore. I think we both knew that Dumbledore was the last wizard alive that could challenge the Dark Lord. However, I decided to say nothing more on the subject-I had seen men killed for less by the Dark Lord. Instead, I asked, "How may I assist my Lord?" He gave me a strange, measuring look-it made by blood run cold. "I want you to find and kill James Potter." The words were spoken softly but deliberately with the speaker's venom rich and posionous in each syllable.

I could not speak. He had never asked me to murder somebody before. Sure, I had fought duels in a battle but this was calculated murder and, and..It was JAMES POTTER- a man I had hated for a long time BUT was married to the woman I loved. You might say this was the perfect solution-kill James and get Lily back. Well even assuming I could do it, I knew Lily-she was loyal to the end; she would break if James died and if she knew it was me I would never be forgiven…

"Severus. You are very quiet. Will you do as I command or perhaps you are too weak for this? Perhaps Belliatrix…" The unspoken thought was louder than his words-I had an image of Belliatrix laughing madly torturing, destroying James, then Lily without a second thought. I could not let that happen-well I didn't give a damn about James but beautiful, gentle Lily..NO! "My Lord, forgive me. My mind wanders. I will do as you command." The intense eyes stared at me not blinking, probing deep as if searching for something hidden. Then, with a cold smile he said,"Yes, yes. I thought you may say that. I know of your, shall we say, attachment to Lily Evans. I care nothing for her-she is irrelevant, a filthy Muggle but she matters not. Kill James and she is yours."

I needed time. I could not kill a man in cold blood even if it was arrogant James Potter whom I hated more than anything in my life. I was not sure what I would do but if I refused...Belliatrix would show no mercy and Lily would have no chance. So I said the only thing I could say, "My Lord. It will be done. I will find James-he and the rest of the Order are hard to trace but I have an idea where Black may be-if we get Black we have James."

"Well Severus. In that case you had better go. Do not fail me." With that he left. I gathered myself-I had already shown too much in front of the Dark Lord. What was I to do? I was loyal to him. I admired his skill, vision, resolve and that he had taken me in, given me a purpose when the rest of the world including the like of Potter, Black made a laughing stock of me. And yet, I could not kill in cold blood. I wanted Lily back but not like this. Mayhap I had somebody I could talk to. No, no point in feeling self-pity; I was alone.

"I heard the mighty Snivellus has something important to do for the Dark Lord. My, my aren't we the chosen one," came the mocking tone of Belliatrix. Then her tone changed, flat and hard,"I don't trust you Snape. I am watching and if you betray us…" She didn't complete her sentence but her meaning was clear and she stroked her wand lovingly- a messenger of hundred or more deaths-a few more would mean nothing. I sneered and spoke very softly but clearly "Belliatrix, if you ever cross my path, I will destroy you." I saw her eyes widen in surprise; I had never been so direct before. Without another word, I turned around and left. I had to find Black first and then see what lay ahead.

**NEXT****: THE BOY WHO LIVED**


	3. THE BOY WHO LIVED

**THE BOY WHO LIVED**

I wandered in a daze the next few days. I was searching for Black but in my heart I did not want to find him…finding him meant finding the Potters and then…In a way not looking too hard for Black bought me time. I could think of a plan to get out of this during that time or so I thought. As the week progressed I found myself no closer to Black and with no plan of how to deal with the situation. How could I betray Lily by killing James on the one hand and on the other betray the Dark Lord's trust. My despair only grew with the days and I decided that I had done enough to show that Black couldn't be found. Without Black there would be no trace of the Potters. Maybe this would work-I had tried and the Dark Lord could not hold me responsible for not being able to find Black. So perhaps this might work. Feeling marginally better I arrived at the Death Eater headquarters. Steeling myself and pulling my cloak around me to keep the chill out I walked in.

I expected to see the Dark Lord-there was no sign of him as I looked around. Instead I heard the insane laughter of Belliatrix. "Snivellus, did you lose something?" she said in a voice coated with sugar and honey. She only did that when she was in a dangerous mood and had an upper hand on some issue. I looked at her and spoke to her mimicking the friendly yet sarcastic tone that she had used, "Belliatrix, how kind. Well as it turns out, perhaps you can. I need to see the Dark Lord immediately." She smiled and again in that high, lilting, slightly teasing voice, "Well, that I can help you with. He has gone visiting-old friends you know….," she trailed off with that high pitched hysterical giggle. I could not take it-I was tired, frustrated and didn't need to humour her. I hissed, "Enough with this stupid game. I have urgent business so stop playing around and tell me where can I find him?" Normally that would have brought her down immediately. I saw a change come over her face; the mocking laughter disappeared eclipsed by a hard stare full of nothing but malice and hate. She walked up to me stopping within inches of me and in a voice laced with venom and hatred whispered, "He has gone to kill the Potters. While you were wasting time doing nothing somebody found them, all of them…"

I was stunned. I felt like my legs were going to give away as I spluttered out, "How..." She leaned back a little and looked at me with contempt. She was clearly enjoying herself as she made me wait for what seemed an eternity before she spoke. The words came out hard and flat, "I never trusted you Snape. When I saw the Dark Lord give you the task of finding the Potters I knew you would do nothing. I decided to make my own search and I found them. I was right-you didn't do a thing and I fulfilled the Dark Lord's command. He will reward me richly when he comes back. I will be his closest counsellor and you will be on the side. He still trusts you for some reason- he actually thinks you were honestly trying to find Black. When he is back and I am at his side I will show him the truth-you cannot be trusted and should be eliminated."

Somewhere during this dialogue I had taken a seat. It calmed me a bit. Don't give in to her-you have already shown her fear. Take control. I spoke slowly calming my nerves and voice trying to sound as matter-of-fact as I could, "Belliatrix, I seriously doubt you found the Potters yourself but however you did it, you have done a great service to the Dark Lord. I did my utmost to find Black but he has indeed disappeared-a coward running for his life. Now tell where the Potters are so I can fulfil my duty-the Dark Lord wanted me to be the one to take care of James." I could see the doubt in her eyes. She did not want to tell me and yet she had been there when the Dark Lord assigned the task to me-I knew she had overheard every word that passed between the two of us on that day. Although Belliatrix was a cold-hearted murderer without fear, the Dark Lord was the one person that terrified and intimidated her. She came to a decision and spat the words out, "Godric's Hollow. Godric's Hollow-that's where your precious Potters are hiding. Go there if you must-you are wasting your time. The Dark Lord should be there by now and all three of the scum will die tonight." I started, and blurted out unable to keep the surprise out of my voice, "All three?" She giggled. "Looks like Snivellus is the last to know as always. Your precious girlfriend and Potter had a baby-Harry James Potter".

I could not believe it. I tried to look calm but on the inside there was turmoil. I felt sick and panicked as I realised the implications. The Dark Lord would kill the boy-no loose ends or unpleasant surprises down the road was his philosophy. If he attacked the boy, Lily would try to stop him and, and…he would show her no mercy. For once Belliatrix was right-the Dark Lord would kill three tonight unless I did something. I had to go and do what I could to save Lily. Maybe it was too late but I had to try. I had no plan-I couldn't fight the Dark Lord but I would do something. Feigning composure I said, "Belliatrix-you have been most helpful. I go now to fulfil my task or assist the Dark Lord in any way I can."

I disapparated to Godric's Hollow. I apparated in the village square. Now I had two problems to deal with. Firstly I did not know where the Potters lived and secondly I still had no plan to deal with the situation. I began walking towards the first row of houses on the right. Suddenly a flash of green light emanated from the window of a small house on the street. I ran, how I ran. I could not think anymore-I just wanted to get to Lily. I was close enough to see them now through an open window. The Dark Lord stood with his back to the window wielding his wand. Across the room Lily was bent over a still body-James! Much as I hated James the sight of his still form with his head cradled in Lily's shaking hands was too much even for me.

I had to do something. I couldn't fight the Dark Lord-Firstly because of all he had done for me and secondly if I did he would just kill me-he was probably the most powerful and talented wizard of our time along with Dumbledore-I would have no chance against him. I crept up to the window. I could hear him now, soft voice gently persuasive, "Stand aside. I just want the boy. You can go." Lily stood up. She was still beautiful with tears streaming down her face. She said nothing but her intentions were clear-she would fight to protect Harry-I could see him now in a cradle behind her; a tiny creature who was looking at the whole scene with big, dark eyes.

In my desperation I had a flash of inspiration. I began constructing an Insulato, one of the most difficult shield charms ever that few people knew about and understood let alone used. The charm is called Insulato. It can protect the recipient from almost any curse. You could say it is like an invisible magical wall that partly absorbs and partly reflects spells. The intensity of the charm is as strong as the link between the shield creator and the person receiving it. You cannot put it on your self. It must be put on a person that you know-the stronger your emotional connection with the person the stronger the wall. You must see the person physically to place the enchantment. I had learnt this charm during my endless hours in the library trying to drown my sorrows in learning while my classmates frittered away their Hogwarts years with friends and pranks. I reached deep within and drew upon all my feelings for Lily-they almost overwhelmed me-all the love, friendship, pain, frustration that I ever felt for her. I focused my energy and began drawing out the Insulato from the tip of my wand. You cannot see it but you can feel its presence. I looked at Lily and slowly pointed my wand at her. I could feel the flow of energy as the Insulato glided through the air and settled around her. I collapsed as I relaxed my concentration-the effort to create the Insulato even for a few seconds was draining and overwhelming-I couldn't move so I sat paralyzed watching the scene unfold. I could see Lily although she could not see me. I saw her eyes widen in surprise as she felt the Insulato settling around her. Smart girl-she would know what it was even if she couldn't create one.

The Dark Lord was speaking. Perhaps he been speaking for the last minute that it had taken me to create the Insulato but I had heard nothing in my concentration. "Step aside you foolish girl. I only want the boy." She looked at him with determination, "I will stop you. Let me pick up my wand if you dare." He laughed, "A duel. You would challenge the Dark Lord. A Muggle taking me to my end. What an amusing idea. That's irresistible. Pick up your wand face your death".

Lily stepped backed a pace and half turned around-her wand lay between her and Harry's crib. Harry was kneeling upright and staring at her. She bent down picked up her wand. As she straightened there was the slightest flick of her wrist finishing with the wand pointed at Harry for a fraction of a second. I realised what she had done even as I felt the Insulato moving and settling over Harry. In the same instant I saw her raising her wand at the Dark Lord. "Avada Kedavara." An explosion of green light shot out of his wand and blasted Lily off her feet. My scream was lost in the noise as the Dark Lord turned to Harry and uttered the same curse. A blinding flash of light followed by an explosion and a horrible scream from the Dark Lord.

I felt the agony of the Insulato having been destroyed. It was part of my being and its destruction was like a part of me had died. In fact it had, Lily was dead. The scene before me was incredible. The Dark Lord had vanished without a trace as if destroyed completely by the explosion. Harry was there looking dazed with some sort of injury on his forehead-but he was alive. The Insulato had protected him. The Dark Lord's curse had been repelled and enough of the curse had rebounded back to destroy him. It was unbelievable but it had happened or at least the only apparent explanation.

Then I saw Lily. She quivered. Drawing on my last reserves of energy I crawled through hole in the wall created by the explosion. I crawled over to her and gripped her hand. She looked at me with wide eyes as the words came out choked, "Severus, I knew it was you. I felt it.." "Lily, hold on. Don't go…". She shook her head a pointed with a trembling hand at Harry, looked at me and whispered, "Severus, …Harry… you saved him.. please protect …Severus, please.." and then she went slack. The words would haunt me for the rest of my life. Lily was gone. I kept holding her hand as the tears ran out of my eyes. Lily was gone. I had failed to save her. Harry was safe because of me. Love had saved this wretched child-my love for Lily and her love for him. She was a rare witch who in a fraction of a second had managed to transfer an Insulato with the flick of her wand to another recipient, Harry. It was because of the transfer that something bizarre had happened. An Insulato is meant to protect the person on whose basis they are created. Mine was to protect Lily. When she transferred the shield to Harry she introduced a degree of unpredictability on the effects of the Insulato. It would explain why Harry had not been completely protected and that the Insulato had exploded repelling a massive amount of force at the Dark Lord seemingly destroying him.

What an unfair cruel world it was. Lily had died because of Harry. And her dying wish was for me to protect him. It was Harry's crying that brought me out of my daze. He seemed perfectly fine except he had a strange Z shaped burn mark on his forehead. I could not bear the sight of him. For me he would always be The Boy Who Lived when Lily died. I know it was unfair of me to think like this but I am only human.

I looked at him wondering what to do next. I had to leave soon before light. Although the sounds were insulated by spells around the house somebody would see the gaping hole in the wall soon enough. I looked at Harry again. He was fine. I could not take him with me. I did not know what lay ahead for me let alone me with a little boy. In my heart I knew the real reason-being close to him would destroy me with pain. I would never be able to forget this night for a moment if he was with me. I would fulfil my promise to Lily but not by taking Harry with me. I needed time to heal. I needed time to develop a plan. I would send a message immediately to Dumbledore about Godric's Hollow and Harry. He would take care of Harry for the moment. I stood up and stumbled out into the darkness leaving a part of my soul and life dead in the ruins of the Potter household in Godric's Hollow…

_**NEXT: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE**_


	4. AWAKENING

**AWAKENING**

I ran, I hid, I cried and worst of all I remembered the excruciating details of Lily's death over and over and over. I could not sleep, I could not eat and I could not drink. It was only a matter of time. I had sent Dumbledore a message about Harry. There was nothing more for me to do but remember her till I joined her in death. Ironically it is only the haunting, painful and overpowering memory of her that probably kept from taking my life instead of just waiting for death to come to me. Even in death Lily saved my life. Even as she died I saw no pain or fear in her, just the love and determination to protect Harry. I was responsible; I should have done something more. I had failed her-I hated myself. How had I sunk so low. I had always known the Dark Lord killed for power. I had accepted that when I joined his service. It had taken the death of Lily to admit something I had always known; he was and always had been a common murderer, no more no less. Yes, I must confess, I had known it but never admitted it because I enjoyed the power, the acceptance and recognition when I joined his service. Pathetic. What a horrible price had been paid for me to accept the truth.

Days passed. I was almost delirious and the end was near; finally peace. It was raining as I lolled with my back against a tree. I could hear the harsh cries of birds overhead. "Scavengers", I thought, "At least somebody will benefit from my death." Suddenly, there was a cry that rose above the rest and I sensed one of the birds starting its descent towards me. Grimacing, I prepared myself thinking, "Well this one doesn't want to wait-all the better." In a moment of cowardice I closed my eyes, pushed myself away from the tree, sank into a lying position and waited. I could hear the flapping of the wings over the patter of rain. I could feel the air pulsing with the movement as it came closer.

I flinched as I felt him land on my chest, the weight and the sharp claws digging into my emaciated skin. He was a big one; I could feel the weight and impact as he hit my body with the claws slicing the skin and drawing thin streams of warm blood. I waited for what seemed an eternity for the kill. Nothing, but I sensed something odd. The rain continued to fall and I could feel it on the rest of my body but nothing on my head. I opened my eyes slowly and froze. The wings of the giant bird were drawn over my face like a giant shroud shielding it from light and rain. All I could see was the glistening point of a very sharp beak and a haunting pair of eyes. Mesmerized, I could not move and stared in those eyes waiting for the death blow.

Instead, I saw tears trickling out of the birds eyes falling down luminescent as they cascaded gently towards me. The sensation as they made contact with my skin was strange. I felt as if they soaked through the layers of skin on my cheek and entered my body. A warm sense of tranquillity spread through my body as if the liquid was diffusing through my entire system. It was as if all the stress and pain I had felt was being flushed out of my being. I gradually slipped away from physical reality and fell into a state of semi-consciousness as my mind was filled with images and sounds. It did not feel like a dream and yet it could'nt be real. I kept hearing Lily , "Severus, please…Harry… you saved him..Severus, please protect...". I tried to respond but all I could do was whimper in response as my mind could not seem to form a coherent response. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry and I could not. I was not capable of living myself let alone caring for a young boy. I was a failure and I deserved to die.

"Stop your self-pity you fool." The voice of Dumbledore boomed in my head. "Yes, you have been weak and worthless and must atone. I will not let you take the easy way by letting go. You made a promise to that brave, wonderful girl and I intend that you keep it. Enough of your grovelling; if she meant anything to you, get up and come to me. You insult her memory by wallowing in your self-pity pretending that you cared about her".

"How dare you! I loved her more than my life." I roared.

" Then give your life to her; by dying you give nothing, by living you fulfil your promise to look after Harry."

I knew in my heart he was right but what a burden it was. I hated myself and couldn't bear the sight of Harry as he would remind me of how I had failed that night. What a life it would be if I accepted; I could expect nothing other than more unhappiness and bitterness. I heard her again , "Severus, please…Harry… you saved him..Severus, please protect.." I had no choice. With an effort I gathered my senses and said, "What must I do?"

There was a pause and then Dumbledore spoke again in a gentler voice, "Come to me Severus. Come to Hogwarts. There we will discuss many things and I will help you fulfil your duty. Get up now!"

I felt a sharp, stinging pain in my cheek and my came awake with a jolt. I saw the enormous bird that had jabbed me with its beak. It was Fawkes, Dumbledore's phoenix. Then I understood; the tears carried the healing of the phoenix and the message from Dumbledore. Fawkes stared at me; my imagination or did I see pity reflected in his eyes. Then with a contemptuous cry he spread his wings, leapt up in the air effortlessly soaring to great heights and glided away.

I was alone. It was no longer raining. I stood up. I felt weak but gathered my resolve. Pulling my cape around my weakened body I started walking. I took my time knowing well it was a long road ahead and that no respite or welcome awaited me at the end of this long journey.

**NEXT: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE **


End file.
